Sensitivity

Sick this weekend after working non-stop like forever. I’m having much needed rest after a week where emotions seemed to be heightened everywhere, and I was especially sensitive to old patterns returning: Me butting heads with grumpy old men (online and off) who offer their authoritarian opinions like they are God’s gift to earth, and who  press the “virtue” of their arguments on their seniority, without engaging in logic at all (“wait till you are 71, my dear”) , blissfully ignorant that their audience may have more experience and expertise on the subject than they’ve assumed.

This recurring situation has come hand-in-hand with flashbacks to my childhood of the same experiences, where I was younger, and didn’t yet have access to the language and supportive evidence for my points-of-view that I do now.  It has been painful and tiring revisiting these memories, even if I know there’s a healing lesson hidden somewhere.

Anyway, it’s February 21st; the Virgo full moon is tomorrow, kicking up all these wounds of never being good enough. I created a scheduled post on my FaceBook art page:

Card 21 from the upcoming deck. This one’s specially for the sensitive souls, and there’s so much meaning I couldn’t fit into the short text.

Sensitivity is not an often-appreciated trait, but for me, I always thought it was central for creating a good painting, or a yummy dish, or beautiful spaces that balance functionality and beauty. Whenever I’ve seen gorgeous creations of any kind, that show a delicate balance and attention to detail, I know its artist or maker was sensitive and put that into their art.

When I was a child, I didn’t have the language or intellectual ability to explain certain choices I made when creating or liking what I did. Now that I’m older, I’m better armed, but may still encounter people who push their different tastes and values onto others. That’s kind of insensitive, but again, we don’t often celebrate sensitivity. On the contrary, sensitivity, and many other emotional parts of ourselves, are often mocked.

In the last few years, I learned to turn down advice and suggestions that did not resonate with me. I’ve learned also, that people are not offering their advice out of concern sometimes, but out of their own ego. I myself have been guilty of this. In the past, I was also afraid to reject suggestions because of the resentment I felt I would attract by my refusal. That was extremely silly, and ignored my own wisdom and autonomy.

Keep your sensitivity. There are still ways to accept valid criticism and to avoid negativity, but those are messages featured on the other cards. ;)

Nothing happens without a cause. When creating the deck and writing the words for the cards, the one for Sensitivity (which was originally entitled “See Beauty”) nearly suffered from verbal diarrhea. There was so much I wanted to explain. There were so many stories of my past crowding into my head about the times I just couldn’t make other people see. Some answers and some choices were always so obvious to me about the environment, about design, about beauty and softness and compassion and intuition and unseen knowings. But after being written off repeatedly, I started de-sensitising myself–I can also recall the times I’ve been cruel to others. It’s no excuse, but I was so hurt and so tired of my own untreated hurts and unheeded perspective.

There are still people in my life around whom I go into shut-down. I ignore when they rant. I don’t talk with them whenever it’s clearly a bad idea, because any words from me will illicit a negative and completely unwelcome “here’s my advice” response. I’ve stopped explaining myself, because the repetition is draining–they ignore what I’ve said before. The information I provide is always questioned. And repeat. They don’t have the sensitivity. They don’t have the intention to learn, because by god, they’re smarter and older than I am. This was a situation that was even more pronounced when I still had in-laws. So maybe there’s been some progress on this. Maybe whatever I’m watching now is just a product of the Virgoan full moon and Chiron doing his thing.

Anyway, this video was a huge relief to watch, and something I recommend for ALL Pisceans and Virgos:

I stand by my right to stick to my senses and sensitivity! I will practice coping mechanisms in the face of insensitivity. :) And while I will continue trying to practice sensitivity to other people who may or may not be as sensitive as I am, I’m resolved that it will not be at my own expense. So declares this Virgo. ;)

Wishing you a gentle Virgo full moon,

Janet